"Cultural Differences"

My supervisor, who is on leave magically showed up at work.  Why?  Because she was washing clothes and needed something to read so she drove to work to get work to take back home to read in between loads.  I beleive that this is all the information needed to make it very clear that we are completely different from them.  Laugh now. 

Soul Mates?

 R:  Do you believe in/ how do you feel about soul mates? Do you think everyone comes in your life for a reason or do you think that's just something we tell ourselves to make us feel better about getting involved with the wrong people?

 

 

T:  Yeah I'm not a big soul mate person.  I think relationships develop and there are very few people that don't have to adjust or edit some part of themselves in order to maintain a relationship.  I imagine that a soul mate would be two people who "just work" without all the effort we know a real relationship takes.

 

 

 R:  OK but do you think you can "miss out" on your soul mate? I mean are we meant to be with a certain person... does everything really happen for a reason?

  

T:  Let me take the word "soul mate" out to answer this.  I think there are a million people we can fall in love with on the planet, each sharing the same deep love most people crave.  The issue is most of us operate in a very small circle involving maybe 50 people and 10 romantic relationships (if that).  Given the sheer numbers, we trick ourselves into thinking that out of these 10, there is only 1 we are truly meant to be with.  Russell Simmons says that there is a very good chance that our blessings will come from a situation outside of our normal experiences.  I take this to mean in relationships that we can fall in love with an Australian surfer, a hood dude, a man in England or wherever we just need to open ourselves in understanding that there is an entire world of people out here and our love isn't limited to the 10 or so people we've been with.  Does that make sense?

 

 R:  yes makes complete sense. I guess I just keep trying to figure out why certain things happen in the order they happen especially bad situations.  But maybe it's not for me to understand and just for me to live it out

 

 T:  I'm gonna say this for the last time (OK not true, I will pressure you about it until you do it)...in fact, we are gonna go to Barnes and Noble today at lunch and get the audio version of Super Rich...every single doubt you have will be erased and you will understand why your relationships take the direction in which they do.

 

 

T:  I want to be very clear about this book and its impact it has had on my life.  My marriage is over and in the worst way possible but I am not angry, not bitter, and still very much love and have compassion for him.  Before reading this book, I didn't have any direction and had no idea how I was going to deal with the issue at all.  It taught me so much and how to evolve and embrace the world as it comes to me as well as how to be aggressive in what it is I want out of it.

 

R:  Well I just need for it to erase my memory... if Barnes and Noble has anything for that I'm down lol

 

T:  Yes, you need to HEAR the words.  I have the actual text book but hearing someone say it is 100 times more powerful.

 

 

 T:  Here's what I've been thinking about for the last month or so....take your fist and ball it up tight...that's the area in which most of us operate out of...now think about how big the world really is.  Why in the hell do we limit ourselves to that tiny amount of space and experiences??

 

 Raven:  But you keep saying that but I don't think I limit myself to certain things I'm a VERY open person and would date any type of race and/or try anything at least once.  Someone just needs to come at me.  I've been in situations where I've been open to dating other races but it never materialized.  I don't stand in one small group. I have friends from all over: hood, professional, upper, middle and lower classes.  I think I'm very diverse when it comes to mingling

 

 

 T:  Someone just needs to come at me << the problem.  You have to run after the world.  Stop waiting on people to find you. Look at what I'm saying figuratively.  I'm not suggesting that you don't know a variety of people but perhaps you are unconsciously attracted to the same type of person no matter his race or profession.

 

 

 R:  but that's what I'm saying not true.  Like just recently... well at xmas time I was at a party and very interested in my co-workers Indian friend... I started flirting with him.  but like I said nothing materialized.  I wasn't really saying someone has to come at me... I have NO problem with flirting but at the same time I'm not going to flirt with someone that I'm not interested in.  Nor will I continue to flirt with someone who doesn't seem to be interested in me.

 

T:  I agree with that.

 

 R:  maybe it's just not my time.  Everyone says that things happen for a reason and some things are meant to happen... but for some reason I can't wrap my head around that.  I just think we are humans living in this world and what we do is what we do and not "meant to happen".  but that thought scares me b/c I just keep making the wrong decisions so I feel like I'm F'ed b/c when it comes to dating I'm clueless but I'm an ACE in relationships guess that's why I want to be in one bad... not good with being alone and "dating"

 

T:  Have you ever thought about the energy you are putting out may not be receptive and impact your dating skills?  Have you ever been around people who were so full of vibrancy and good energy that even without speaking you wanted to be in their presence?  That's the person you want to be.  (We all want to be)

 

 R:  No I'm that person and people love me... that's not my problem.  the problem I have is that I don't like anyone or if I do I get too comfortable with them b/c I guess I'm used to being with someone.  so when I find someone I'm comfortable with I'm open but then they turn out to be someone I shouldn't be open with.

 

 T:  I think you are a vibrant person in all aspects expect for when it comes to love is what I'm saying.  When the conversation switches to love, marriage, and families I see you get into a funk.  What if you are radiating an energy in regards to relationships that aren't attracting the type of relationship you are yearning for?  Let's take it out of context for a sec...

 

 

T:  I want to be a business owner but it hasn't happened yet (partly because of my own poor time management) but when I get around people who have "made it" and live the life I hope to be living soon, I am inquisitive, eager and very engaging on how to learn.  I could turn into an instant hater but that vibe would not only hinder me but make me unattractive to deal with.  Showing my desire and willingness to move forward without slandering my current professional situation makes me a more attractive person to want to do business with.  Hopefully that makes my POV easier to understand.

 

 

 T:  So what I'm saying is, be honest about your desire to want true love but stop criticizing where you currently are in life.  Your honesty and good heart will shine through but you may be blocking your blessing because you are so down on yourself about love.  Be open.

 

 R:  You're right... Thanks 

 

Chic Smoking

Not a smoker. Never have been, never will be but it looks so damn chic in black and white photography. Here are some shots I like :)

All pics via Pinterest

THE SEARCH IS OVER!!!!!!!!!

Trophy Wife

Date: 2012-04-15, 8:17AM

Wanted: Trophy Wife. . .

I am looking to fill an immediate opening in my home, as soon as possible. The position will be demanding, but the perks of the job will absolutely outweigh the stresses of the day. Any applicants must be willing to perform a few simple day to day tasks. . .

First is to wake up every day in my arms. And even after we wake to lay there and enjoy that feeling of love and happiness. Before the kids bust through the doors, before the stress of the day even has a chance to make an appearance. . . just lay. After I am able to tear myself from your arms, you have an option: either enjoy a fine cup of loose leaf tea in bed, or by the fireplace. After. . . you make it through the tea, we get the kids ready for school, as a team. Pack lunches and snacks, get them dressed, breakfast as a family, and then off to catch the bus. At this point, I'll be off for the day for another day at the office. . . but I will never rush off without holding you in my arms as if it were the last time. . . and just when I am about to let go, hold you for a little longer.

At this point in the day, you have some flexibility. . . you could spend some time catching up on the book you are trying to finish. Or head straight to the gym, in the brand new company car (our your choosing of course). This may include, but is certainly not limited to, any number of Zumba/Yoga/Crossfit/etc classes desired. All membership fees and workout clothes will be included as part of your compensation package. After the gym, please make full use of the whirlpool tub to relax. Or, if you don't feel like the gym that day, head straight to the mall for some shopping or a pedicure or to get you hair done. . . all on the company credit card.

I hope your work environment will be suitable, as you will have your own corner office, with which you can fully focus on your writing career. Whether you are tinkering with a new concept, or putting the finishing touches on another masterpiece, this will be an ideal space with which to focus.

In the afternoon, you will have to pickup my son from preschool and perform an extremely important task. Have fun. Play in the playroom, take him to the park, play on the swing set, watch a movie with him. . . But be sure to save some of that energy for when my daughter gets off the bus. . .. And then the fun just continues. . . until I return home from the office. At this point I expect to be fully bombarded by my kids. . . dual hug style, knocking me to the floor, hands still full from just coming in the door. Once I regain my composure though, please be ready, because 8 hours of not being able to be by your side will be unbearable and my only thought in that moment will be to kiss you like it was our first and last kiss.

We'll take turns cooking dinner. . . and often will prepare the meal together. We'll eat as a family and listen to each other tell the stories of their days. After dinner, we'll spend time with the kids together. Playing board games, doing homework, practicing instruments, singing songs, doing artwork, reading stories, going for bike rides. . .. After getting the kids off to bed, please be prepared to receive a massage by the fireplace, while the stresses and noises of the day go quiet.

Other perks, in no particular order: surprise picnics, weekend getaways, nights out for movies/dinners/concerts/etc, my singing you songs and leaving you notes, unbounded support for you writing career, boots. . . lots and and lots of boots. . . A true partner, in every sense of the word. . . in life, parenthood, friendship, and love. Finally, it will be my job to create a life with you. . . completely and utterly consumed by both passion and love.

• Location: Ashburn, VA
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Original URL: http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/wri/2959244497.html

Listen to your man!

I'm writing this from bed and on my phone so my thoughts may be a little off but bare with me here.

I don't typically condone infidelity but I recognize that men are simple creatures and probably already told you everything they need in order to make them stay loyal, women just don't listen.

1. If your man starts making comments about your body, no matter how vague, consider that all the request you need to get your ass to the gym.

2. If he starts commenting on your hair, clothing or other cosmetic things, get a makeover quickly.

3. If you are snuggled up on the couch and you notice your head being pushed down ever so slightly...do it.

4. If he keeps ignoring your texts and calls all day, quit calling and texting.

5. If he begs you to STFU cause you start some bs argument daily, learn to STFU.

6. If he suggests more frequent sex, stop talking about being tired.

It's just about that simple.

Nite

Think Like a Man...or Lil Kim?!

(convo cuts in)

T:  hol up what the hell are my tactics?  If a man can make it crystal clear that all he wants to do is smash than so can I.

 T:  And I need you to explain my stubbornness in detail sir

 Man: I suggest you listen to me, as a man, if you do so I promise you will break every person you set out too

 T:  I would be a complete dummy to talk to a guy who stays talking about this that and the other shit he bought and smash for free!  huh?  That's stupid!

Man:  my point is, you have the attributes needed to REALLY get what you want, however your approach is a bit off kilter

I agree with your last statement

 T:  My approach is the same as men's...yall just don't like it thrown back at you and want to control the shots.

Man:  not at all, maybe some men but not all again, I agree with your last statement

T:  Thank you!

Man:  what you doing is not new, but how you are doing it is your method won't work with everyone, however with just a little instruction you will be good

 T:  Here's all I wanna know:  Why can a man be completely blatant about his intentions but I'm supposed to back end mine?  I don't want to play around with men and waste my time at dinners and shit.

 Man:  Here's the thing T, men and women are different; so you can't take what and why we do and apply it to a woman I'm not even thinking about me, remember I met you under different circumstances

 T:  No, men are just flucking confused.  They don't want drama and want a woman to be upfront.  But when they get that they are stuck on stupid cause they aren't running the show.

 T:  So....I need the man's Cliff Notes version of my approach.

Man:  You can't treat every man the same and you can't compare men to women; once you understand that you will dominate trust me, I do it 

 T:  Every man isn't the same

 Man:  That's to include every man with money if you listen and be willing to adjust I assure you will win every time

 T:  I'm still waiting on you to tell me what the play by play move is on this new plan

Man:  I'm still waiting on you to humble yourself and open up instead of talking fast and trying to act like you got everything figured out at 27

 T:  I have to be the most humble person in America!  I would bet money that if I was extra friendly with my lady parts BEFORE I asked for a meal, I would instantly be humble and sweet.

 (foolishness deleted and still no answer...men are still as retarded as I thought they were!)

Beyonce is Real!

I'm not a regular fan of hers but my co-author is and since she's decided to be open a Tumblr acknowledging to be a real person, I decided to share. Here are my favs!

"Cultural Differences"

Thought of another....your non-brown co-worker can sit on the phone ALL day talking about kids, dogs, summer vacations and Tupperware parties but let you get the urge to call the radio station, check a text, or reply to someone on Facebook and there will be a counseling session that follows.  This is a fact. 

"Cultural Differences"

Now I'm not a racist (bahahaha I love that line!  Its what white people say right before they make a racial comment) but there are clearly some things that they can do that we (as in brown people) can't so I'm starting a segment called Cultural Differences that will highlight the humorous ones.  So here we have it:

THE "I'M SICK"

White people can actually call out sick.  No one knows if they are really sick or not and its because NO ONE will challenge them.  I have a co-worker who is "sick" at least 6 times a month and somehow her illness strategically falls on long weekends or right after she's gone out of town.  I wanna be like look just take an extra day off cause we know you aren't sick but the point is, if she says she is-it must be true right?  Wrong.  They also like to confuse sickness with a headache.  I have a headache = I'm leaving early.  Huh?  Your head doesn't know if you are at work or at home so take a aspirin and press.  They will also go to the doctor for EVERYTHING when we will just take some over the counter stuff but that's another post...

Now, if a brown person is sick, we better be showing ALL the symptoms.   We gotta over exxagerate sneezes at our desk, throw powder on our face, fake a horrible voice and basically look like shit before a boss will say "Why are you still here"...ummm cause you ain't tell me I could go home!  (Don't you hate that???) They will listen to you ALL day long and then casually mention that you've sounded horrible all day...really?  Ok.  Then we need to say we have a doctors appointment, have a doctors note and go to the 10th degree of sick excessiveness to get off and then we feel bad.  Like are we gonna get fired cause we took a day off?  You know it will be that one day your basic ass co-worker will use your illness as an excuse to say you haven't responded to their email, finished a project, blah blah blah. 

I know yall have some so comment, share, laugh. 

Easter Foolishness

Regular folks do cute stuff like bake theme cupcakes (like the one you'll see in the next post), dye eggs and then send the kids to find them and say a couple of prayers...not my family. The following is a list of the foolishness I encountered today:

1.  Usually black folks are late to every single function and Easter is no different.  Surprisingly, my uncle and aunt show up to my house (yep, I hosted dinner) 45 early disrupting my nap.  They walk in and both of their cell phones start ringing and then they start shouting "who's dead!!!"  I'm like aww shit here we go!  This goes on for like 10 min and then my uncle is like I'm early, where's the room so I can take a nap real quick?  Huh hol up hol up hol the fluck up!  You cut my nap short and now you wanna take one?!  You coulda let your seat back some and slept in the car until it was time to ring my bell.  Mood: Puzzled.

2.  My cousins who are late to everything true to the traditional customs of blacks, stroll in with some mysteriously light kid.  Here's the set up:  My female cousin, her long time boyfriend and their two daughters...and again, some mysteriously light child no one has seen before-EVER.  Well the boyfriend starts going around introducing his SON.  Hol up hol up hol the fluck up!  Y'all should've seen my face.  Huh?  What?  Huh?  The kid is the same age as one of the kids we KNOW... why do black people think it's ok to introduce CHILDREN as if this is a new friend....no asshole this requires a damn explanation!  How? When? Where? Why?  You know those types of questions need to be asked.  So...I migrated around the house to witness each of my family members get introduced to this kid just to bust up laughing on the inside as they said "Who????????????" bahahhahaaha I still need to know what is going on with this....Mood: confused and hysterical.

3.  And the kicker that turned the jokes on my ass!  I get on my phone and sit it down real quick to do something.  In a split second my uncle grabs my phone, clicks on the pics and starts going through the album all us sexy girls have lmfaooooooooo YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHO DOES THIS????????!!!!! Then....drum roll please.......(sound)......gives the phone to my FATHER...Huh?!  Hol up!  You did not go and look at all my body shots like that!  And why did you even touch my phone and start pushing buttons?  I was completely mortified and will be for the next 6 months.  I think I shed a tear immediately following this and just about threw the kid from point #2 under the bus just to take the heat off of me.  If it wasn't for Jesus and the lil children, he would've gotten a Friday night cuss out but it was Easter Sunday so I just snatched my phone and walked away.  Mood: Mortified, crying and beyond pissed.

4.  I'm now hungry as hell cause all I ate was ham and green beans trying so damn hard to make myself look like something come May.

Happy Easter to you regular folk xxoo

What You Won't Do!

(References a convo we were having which I've edited to protect the not so innocent)

C:  You know there are some of us who think things that are "freaky" to other people are basic run of the mill stuff. I always ask, "what's freaky" because most of that ish is in my normal repertoire. I'm like, "oh…that's dirty/nasty/freaky? People don't do this just because?" I need to stop doing the most then. LOL.  It's always fun to sleep with a man who isn't used to getting anything "special" or done right. Those were the days…

T:  What are folks doing in America these days?  BTW, I'm back on Twitter.

C:  I know right! I think the problem is I dated someone when I was 17 who was fine as hell and I wanted to do whatever however. I think staying in relationships teaches you more than just dating/smashing random people. You can perfect your skills that way and not just do enough to get through the session because there's a chance you all may not ever do it again. I don't know. Just my personal take on it but anyway, folks need to get with the program. I have made a vow to never be friends with a chick who doesn't give head because she will always have relationship issues and I don't want to hear that shxt. Suck a dxck and STFU!

C:  You need a 45 year old man. You suck he spends the end.

T:  I'm pretty sure mister 45 year old found Jesus after the last pic I sent.................

C:  Ohhhhhh!!! What's up with him anyway? When are you all going to do whatever. This is taking too long for me.

T:  Oh....I laid out my schedule very clearly... haven't heard from him but when he returns my texts he acts like he's been building an empire which is why he was busy...gtfoh.  You know...here's my discovery...men want women without the bs drama but when I'm upfront and clear with my intentions and stuff they are looking all around playing games.  I can't figure it out!

C:  Yeah because I don't understand who doesn't pencil in time to fxck! Clearly only "Baby Boy" understands this concept but he's also not expected to buy $2500 bags and leave gift cards on your nightstand so he has it made. LMFAO!

T:  Baby Boy gives me all I need from him...sneakers, Ciroc and the wang!  LMFAO

C:  Grand total: $90. I'm pretty sure you would have more customers at that price point. LMFAOOO!!! You two…Lawd!

T:  I mean I don't ask people for ish they can't afford to pay.  You're not gonna keep telling me about the BMW, Porsche and whatever else you drive and want me at Steve Madden!  Fluck I look like?! 

C:  LMAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Word up! Preach sista PREACH!

T:  I still can't get over buggy having me ride around in a freshly detailed Panamera and then telling me my taste was too expensive when he offered to buy me a Christmas gift.  I guess he thought I was gonna tell him I wanted a Gap giftcard.  I've been walking right by him in the hallways since January. 

C:  LMAAAOOO at a Gap gift card. I don't get it. I'm seriously confused about this business transaction. It must be guilt. He sees you and wants you but when you're not directly in his face or he's temporarily out of guilt mode then nothing happens. Whatever. Just keep lining them up and see what happens. You no pay you no play *Asian "massage" woman voice"*

T:  Right, thats it.  A lady will get cut for not smashing but when I cut you for not swiping (your credit card)...I'm wrong, again GTFOH with that!!!!