Regular folks do cute stuff like bake theme cupcakes (like the one you'll see in the next post), dye eggs and then send the kids to find them and say a couple of prayers...not my family. The following is a list of the foolishness I encountered today:
1. Usually black folks are late to every single function and Easter is no different. Surprisingly, my uncle and aunt show up to my house (yep, I hosted dinner) 45 early disrupting my nap. They walk in and both of their cell phones start ringing and then they start shouting "who's dead!!!" I'm like aww shit here we go! This goes on for like 10 min and then my uncle is like I'm early, where's the room so I can take a nap real quick? Huh hol up hol up hol the fluck up! You cut my nap short and now you wanna take one?! You coulda let your seat back some and slept in the car until it was time to ring my bell. Mood: Puzzled.
2. My cousins who are late to everything true to the traditional customs of blacks, stroll in with some mysteriously light kid. Here's the set up: My female cousin, her long time boyfriend and their two daughters...and again, some mysteriously light child no one has seen before-EVER. Well the boyfriend starts going around introducing his SON. Hol up hol up hol the fluck up! Y'all should've seen my face. Huh? What? Huh? The kid is the same age as one of the kids we KNOW... why do black people think it's ok to introduce CHILDREN as if this is a new friend....no asshole this requires a damn explanation! How? When? Where? Why? You know those types of questions need to be asked. So...I migrated around the house to witness each of my family members get introduced to this kid just to bust up laughing on the inside as they said "Who????????????" bahahhahaaha I still need to know what is going on with this....Mood: confused and hysterical.
3. And the kicker that turned the jokes on my ass! I get on my phone and sit it down real quick to do something. In a split second my uncle grabs my phone, clicks on the pics and starts going through the album all us sexy girls have lmfaooooooooo YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHO DOES THIS????????!!!!! Then....drum roll please.......(sound)......gives the phone to my FATHER...Huh?! Hol up! You did not go and look at all my body shots like that! And why did you even touch my phone and start pushing buttons? I was completely mortified and will be for the next 6 months. I think I shed a tear immediately following this and just about threw the kid from point #2 under the bus just to take the heat off of me. If it wasn't for Jesus and the lil children, he would've gotten a Friday night cuss out but it was Easter Sunday so I just snatched my phone and walked away. Mood: Mortified, crying and beyond pissed.
4. I'm now hungry as hell cause all I ate was ham and green beans trying so damn hard to make myself look like something come May.
Happy Easter to you regular folk xxoo
JESUS WEPT
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