Bullshit and Other Things

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Nas Covers Complex

And just like that Nas moves from "aint nobody checkin for you" to "he can get it"! He is giving me all kinds of 2001. Yes Yes Yes!!!

All photos from complex.com

Lots of talk about Kelis in the full cover story here

One Day

thezhush.com

This view is my dream manifested into reality.

Foolery that Brown People Understand

Serious thought: Do white people have code language like this? (Please answer this question)

1. I'm around da corner." = I'm 45 minutes away

2 .We in Dis B***h!" = We Will be attending the event.

3."Free my ni**a ______" = Although he did commit a crime that is against the law.. free him because he is my friend.

4. "So you Mad?" = "it amuses me that your angered by what just occurred when it didn't seem like a big deal to me.
...
5 ."You wasnt with me shootin in the gym" = you did not contribute to my current success in any way, shape or form.

6.Where dey do dat at? = What type of establishment allows behavior of that sort?

7."Im Bout To Go Ham!!!" = If you say 1 more thing that displeases me, I shall be forced to take disciplinary actions.

8."I got da whip"= My mother was kind enough to let me use the car.

9."You Tryna Chill? = I Really Want To Engage In Sexual Activity With You But If I Said That You Might Say No.

10."I'm chillin tonight" = My current financial situation is not budgeted for extra curricular activity."

11."You aint bout that life" = Your living standards are not fit for the situation at hand!

12."S**t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughing matter!!

My AHA Moment

It just dawned on me that one man probably won't be enough. I really don't feel like investing in the time it will undoubtedly take to find this "perfect" man so what I rather do is just go ahead and keep two tried and true types around. Here are the profiles:

The Regular Guy

Regular guy with the regular job who does regular things. Nothing too fancy goes on with this dude except for the occasional "I think I'm Diddy" actions in the club. This guy is on the brink of being great but there is always some disconnect or a series of unfortunate events that keep him right at the "average regular guy" level. He does however, drop philosophical jewels from time to time that will have you completely open and I mean like all the way open. I can chill with this guy with a scarf on my head, sip lemonade and spit David Sunflower Seeds (I ONLY spit David) in true Teneice fashion without materialistic judgment. He's not quite there professionally which is 90% why this relationship wouldn't work. I never want to make more money, be more ambitious or have more success than a man. I want to be submissive to some degree and if I'm bringing home the bacon and frying it up (figuratively cause I don't cook) than this is a problem waiting to happen. I'm sure I'll get some flack for this but sorry kids-it just doesn't work out too well. But as you've probably assumed the sex is bomb so he's a keeper.

The Slightly Above Regular Guy

This guy has the pedigree of a rich Connecticut kid and has checked all the boxes. College, fraternity, inflated stories about his fraternity, carries around his business cards in a brown Italian leather case, hopes that you ask him about his designer suiting before he has to mention it, drives some sexy European automobile and has a ton of other "I've made it" symbols he casually yet intentionally likes to flash around. This guy keeps me entertained Monday-Friday during regular business hours and I'm usually ok with his company. We talk about CNN, Donald Trump, investment plans, fashion and things he throws in to appear slightly cooler than he is. All around, he's a good look and the ideal husband but after about 90 min I'm trying to text the regular guy. His holier than thou attitude just gets a little overwhelming when all I want to do is chill and watch Love Jones or Sex and the City. The sex is cool, nothing noteworthy although he is running around talking about how dope he is. He's a keeper because of his credentials.

Now unless I find the reformed thug who has traded in his Jordan's for loafers, this is how it will be. Let's see how long I can get away with playing this game…

Friday, May 18, 2012

I Ain't Afraid To Touch Myself

Thank you T. Boz for making a song dedicated to this worthy topic and you'd think in 2012 everyone would know that self-pleasure can be the best pleasure ever but lo and behold ole what's her friggin' face from Tough Love New Orleans made all the viewers and her house mates shed a single tear when she announced she doesn't masturbate! HUH?! Pause! WTF did she just say?! *grabs a Kleenex after replaying that episode in my mind* I am a complete porn and self-pleasure enthusiast so I don't understand her kind. I can only hope she's taken herself down since the season wrapped or she can take pride in knowing she has single-handedly set Americans back 100 years and Amsterdam will continue to win in comparison to us! Yes America here are the facts and I quote, "As long as the condoms are picked up and the people that want to have sex in public only do it in the evening or night time, then according to new rules, it is fine and dandy to have sexual relations in Amsterdam's Vondelpark." If they can get it on outside surely you can get us (Americans) a point on the sex score board by making sweet love to yourself! Just take one for the team.

For all the rest of you ladies who love your "cupcake" < name totally stolen from a recent episode of B.E.T.s "The Game" and have no problem getting yourself to climax, feel free to share your stories with us. Yes, we love raunchy so bring it on!

Weird/Interesting masturbation stories I've heard:
1. "I must do my hair and put on lipgloss first"
2. "I suck my own tits to really get into it"
3. "I rolled up a pair of socks and placed my vagina on it, grinded back and forth, etc until I came"

Ahhhhh sex! It's an activity that can be enjoyed even if you have no one else to play with you. Pun totally intended.

My Daughter is a Gypsy

There are clearly several cultural differences in child rearing and for the longest time I would wonder why white parents would let there children walk around outside like this:

But now I get it!!! Their kids are annoying as ever, cry, and throw fits until they get to wear this garbage all day long. My daughter has recently decided to scrap the Gap and Polo I buy her and wear clothes that are 2 years too small for her, dirty, mismatched, ripped and just trashy. There is a daily fight in my house and in effort to not give her up for adoption, I am finally deciding that letting her look like this:

and guess what?! I DONT GIVE A FLUCK! If she wants to look like a fool, cool. Headaches and arguments are over! If you aren't up on the show that I find as hilarious as I do mortifying, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, here's a clip! Get ready to fall the hell out!!!

(Go to 5:25...)

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Rather Count a Million While You Eat.....

I am sooooo serious about Bad Boy circa 1995 right now specifically, Lil Kim. OMG I was like in middle school when this stuff was released but now that I'm living out this YOLO lifestyle, Ms. Jones is my big sister in my mind. Hardcore is in heavy rotation on an actual CD in my car but this song right here is my SHIT!