Nas Covers Complex

And just like that Nas moves from "aint nobody checkin for you" to "he can get it"!  He is giving me all kinds of 2001.  Yes Yes Yes!!!

All photos from complex.com

Lots of talk about Kelis in the full cover story here

One Day

thezhush.com


This view is my dream manifested into reality. 

Foolery that Brown People Understand

Serious thought:  Do white people have code language like this?  (Please answer this question)

1. I'm around da corner." = I'm 45 minutes away

2 .We in Dis B***h!" = We Will be attending the event.

3."Free my ni**a ______" = Although he did commit a crime that is against the law.. free him because he is my friend.

4. "So you Mad?" = "it amuses me that your angered by what just occurred when it didn't seem like a big deal to me.
...
5 ."You wasnt with me shootin in the gym" = you did not contribute to my current success in any way, shape or form.

6.Where dey do dat at? = What type of establishment allows behavior of that sort?

7."Im Bout To Go Ham!!!" = If you say 1 more thing that displeases me, I shall be forced to take disciplinary actions.

8."I got da whip"= My mother was kind enough to let me use the car.

9."You Tryna Chill? = I Really Want To Engage In Sexual Activity With You But If I Said That You Might Say No.

10."I'm chillin tonight" = My current financial situation is not budgeted for extra curricular activity."

11."You aint bout that life" = Your living standards are not fit for the situation at hand!

12."S**t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughing matter!!

My AHA Moment

It just dawned on me that one man probably won't be enough.  I really don't feel like investing in the time it will undoubtedly take to find this "perfect" man so what I rather do is just go ahead and keep two tried and true types around.  Here are the profiles:

 

The Regular Guy

 

Regular guy with the regular job who does regular things.  Nothing too fancy goes on with this dude except for the occasional "I think I'm Diddy" actions in the club.  This guy is on the brink of being great but there is always some disconnect or a series of unfortunate events that keep him right at the "average regular guy" level.  He does however, drop philosophical jewels from time to time that will have you completely open and I mean like all the way open.  I can chill with this guy with a scarf on my head, sip lemonade and spit David Sunflower Seeds (I ONLY spit David) in true Teneice fashion without materialistic judgment.  He's not quite there professionally which is 90% why this relationship wouldn't work.  I never want to make more money, be more ambitious or have more success than a man.  I want to be submissive to some degree and if I'm bringing home the bacon and frying it up (figuratively cause I don't cook) than this is a problem waiting to happen.  I'm sure I'll get some flack for this but sorry kids-it just doesn't work out too well.  But as you've probably assumed the sex is bomb so he's a keeper.

 

The Slightly Above Regular Guy

 

This guy has the pedigree of a rich Connecticut kid and has checked all the boxes.  College, fraternity, inflated stories about his fraternity, carries around his business cards in a brown Italian leather case, hopes that you ask him about his designer suiting before he has to mention it, drives some sexy European automobile and has a ton of other "I've made it" symbols he casually yet intentionally likes to flash around.  This guy keeps me entertained Monday-Friday during regular business hours and I'm usually ok with his company.  We talk about CNN, Donald Trump, investment plans, fashion and things he throws in to appear slightly cooler than he is.  All around, he's a good look and the ideal husband but after about 90 min I'm trying to text the regular guy.  His holier than thou attitude just gets a little overwhelming when all I want to do is chill and watch Love Jones or Sex and the City.  The sex is cool, nothing noteworthy although he is running around talking about how dope he is.  He's a keeper because of his credentials. 

 

Now unless I find the reformed thug who has traded in his Jordan's for loafers, this is how it will be.  Let's see how long I can get away with playing this game…

I Ain't Afraid To Touch Myself

Thank you T. Boz for making a song dedicated to this worthy topic and you'd think in 2012 everyone would know that self-pleasure can be the best pleasure ever but lo and behold ole what's her friggin' face from Tough Love New Orleans made all the viewers and her house mates shed a single tear when she announced she doesn't masturbate! HUH?! Pause! WTF did she just say?! *grabs a Kleenex after replaying that episode in my mind* I am a complete porn and self-pleasure enthusiast so I don't understand her kind. I can only hope she's taken herself down since the season wrapped or she can take pride in knowing she has single-handedly set Americans back 100 years and Amsterdam will continue to win in comparison to us! Yes America here are the facts and I quote, "As long as the condoms are picked up and the people that want to have sex in public only do it in the evening or night time, then according to new rules, it is fine and dandy to have sexual relations in Amsterdam's Vondelpark." If they can get it on outside surely you can get us (Americans) a point on the sex score board by making sweet love to yourself! Just take one for the team.

For all the rest of you ladies who love your "cupcake" < name totally stolen from a recent episode of B.E.T.s "The Game" and have no problem getting yourself to climax, feel free to share your stories with us. Yes, we love raunchy so bring it on!

Weird/Interesting masturbation stories I've heard:
1. "I must do my hair and put on lipgloss first"
2. "I suck my own tits to really get into it"
3. "I rolled up a pair of socks and placed my vagina on it, grinded back and forth, etc until I came"

Ahhhhh sex! It's an activity that can be enjoyed even if you have no one else to play with you. Pun totally intended.

My Daughter is a Gypsy

There are clearly several cultural differences in child rearing and for the longest time I would wonder why white parents would let there children walk around outside like this:

But now I get it!!!  Their kids are annoying as ever, cry, and throw fits until they get to wear this garbage all day long.  My daughter has recently decided to scrap the Gap and Polo I buy her and wear clothes that are 2 years too small for her, dirty, mismatched, ripped and just trashy.  There is a daily fight in my house and in effort to not give her up for adoption, I am finally deciding that letting her look like this: 

and guess what?!  I DONT GIVE A FLUCK!  If she wants to look like a fool, cool.  Headaches and arguments are over!  If you aren't up on the show that I find as hilarious as I do mortifying, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, here's a clip!  Get ready to fall the hell out!!!

(Go to 5:25...)

Rather Count a Million While You Eat.....

I am sooooo serious about Bad Boy circa 1995 right now specifically, Lil Kim.  OMG I was like in middle school when this stuff was released but now that I'm living out this YOLO lifestyle, Ms. Jones is my big sister in my mind.  Hardcore is in heavy rotation on an actual CD in my car but this song right here is my SHIT!

And some classic Lil Kim pics!

kiddunot.com

lavalizard.com

popaddicts.com

rocktheboatmag.com

teamlilkim.com

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teamlilkim.com

YOLO Mother Effers

Drake and his lil friends over at YMCMB have all of pop culture in a craze over this YOLO ish.  For those still in 2011, YOLO stands for You Only Live Once.  The "theory" is to do wild (reckless) stuff cause well, YOLO.  I'm all over this but have edited my recklessness cause I'm a real person with a real career and a real child.   My list is about as stupid as I'm gonna get...for now.  In no particular order (some have already been checked off and items are subject to change):

1.  Turning sick days into sex days
2.  Rub-a-dub-dub in the back of the club ala Lil Kim
3.  F*cking a rapper (preferably Joe Budden see Instagram)
4.  Spending money for 4 months without checking account
5.  Booking a flight to Europe for later that afternoon
6.  Self-loving in traffic
7.  Doing some stupid ish at work (haven't thought this out yet but it will involve mid-day activities.
**thinks of more things, will post add-ons later**

Brotha to the Night

This aint right, not right at all.  In fact its all the way wrong but its the truth/everything/bomb/what the fuck ever it is, it's good.  Yes lawd, I have found a Brotha of the Night.  This isn't a love story and it probably never will be but it is pure sex with no attachment.  I'm not thinking about bills, an argument we had, last year, next year, work-- nothing but sex.  I've finally let my inhibitions go and now I'm just so damn open which is what makes this such an amazing experience.  I'm not into defining relationships right now so this just is.  Letting the rest of my thoughts on this sit for awhile so more to come but for now, feel the vibe of the clip from Love Jones.

Happy Weekend Kids

Friday Funny

I was having lunch with my co-workers and somehow we starting talking about the order of the planets.  My dumbass was like Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally (knowing there was some elementary way to remember their order), one co-worker was like yeah thats it!  LOL so we start trying to name them until someone else was like no ma'am thats for Algebra or something!  Ok FAIL.  Well then the same co-worker that co-signed my first answer was like:  My Vagina Eats Men Just So Yo(U) (K)Now.  Dead.  Did she really just say that?!  Yep Dead again.  Photo attached for your reference. 

Religion and ish

T:  Hey---yeah I think I figured out this weekend that I'm not Christian.

C:  Please elaborate. Lol

T:  I just think that I am more of a spiritual person and no longer only represent the viewpoints of Christianity solely. I understand now that the underlying teachings of all the worlds religions are simple and share the same tie for morals and ethics and I don't want to be held by just that of Christianity.  Right now I am intrigued by Hinduism and Hasidim. 

C:  Aha! I love how our conversations come back to bite you in the ass. We discussed this like two years ago but you were a hardcore Christian at the time and I was the Devil. LOL Seriously, I'm glad you've come to this realization because I feel the same way. A lot of things concerning Christianity blatantly contradicts itself so I've decided to look at things a little differently but ultimately believe that something more powerful than any human really does exist in some form. I'm not going to get too caught up into anything but I do have faith and pray.

T:  Man that damn Russell Simmons has me open! I've been reading the Bhagavad Gita (the Hindu bible) and I am all about their teachings. 

T:  I don't know if I was a strict Christian though...I'm all for gay marriage and other social issues that are usually given the ax in church. 

C:  Exactly! I don't argue with anyone about what they believe in but I also won't allow people to sway my mind. I don't think the Bible was written to be taken literally because a lot of the examples and illustrations seem figurative to me and some are just all out creative imagery from the writer but if someone chooses to believe that it's possible to part a sea, place animals on a boat together, and feed thousands of people with one catfish and a slice of white bread then that's fine with me. I believe there is a God. I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in having faith. I don't know any dead people who have arisen to confirm or deny that there is a Heaven/Hell so I don't know if I believe in either. It's almost like the tale that has been passed on from generation to generation that you will have salt poured in your eyes if you try to stay awake to see Santa Claus or something like that. I don't think it has ever occurred to most people that books are designed to tell stories and are written from the point of the view of the author who can create any truth they want to convey. The Bible is a book. Nothing more nothing less. A lot of the principals make sense but so do those of Steve Harvey and the woman who helped write his book but at the end of the day there is no real RIGHT or WRONG, just merely opinions that some people will hold on to as their truth if they side with the writer. That's what we've done with the Bible…adapted the writers beliefs and forced these views upon others.

C:  Nope. You weren't a Christian. A real Christian believes God hates (HATES) gay people. God a Hater…Imagine that. SMH.

Not surprising. Hinduism was one of the religions I studied in undergrad that didn't seem far-fetched to me. I don't know what I am but I do know that I am lover of people and don't hate anyone.

The end

Quick Thoughts

T:  I don't know if this is religious or cultural or what but why are we conditioned to think that if a relationship doesn't work out or yield the expected results that the two people have to completely part ways? I've noticed that people are taken back by the fact that I'm not angry and trippin over what my husband did but I think I've evolved enough to think that just because my marriage is over doesn't mean that our relationship is. We love each other and will be friends and probably much more effective co-parents now anyway...my thought is, why can't we just accept the blessings and gifts that our partners leave with us instead of thinking its about boom and despair?

R: I completely agree that's why I'm still "friends" with all of my exes

 
L: DEEP

 
R: I think when you stay angry at someone it takes too much energy out of you... let go and just relax and live life

L: I understand but some people just cant do it

 
T: Why can't they? Is it fear?

R: I agree with L sometimes your feelings can get the best of you and you just can't help it but when you learn how to control it you will feel sooooo much better

 L: could be..fear that being around, talking to them etc may make them have those feelings for them that they know they shouldn't have

 T: L, you should read Super Rich too. There is a part when Russell says that he got mad at the Beastie Boys for leaving Def Jam and they stopped talking for awhile until he realized they weren't his to begin with and learned to accept the gifts they brought to the label. I think that's powerful. These people aren't ours and they don't belong to us. God gives them to us for the time he wants to serve a purpose whether its for them or us...when its over, its over. I think we get into a lot of trouble when we fight how long a person is supposed to be with us.

I could stay married to my husband but I think the reason he was lent to me has been accomplished, I learned to love unconditionally and now I can go apply that elsewhere. I will be forever thankful to him for teaching me that as opposed to being hurt and bitter that our marriage didn't work.

 L: Damn, That's some real shit