Nas Covers Complex

And just like that Nas moves from "aint nobody checkin for you" to "he can get it"!  He is giving me all kinds of 2001.  Yes Yes Yes!!!

All photos from complex.com

Lots of talk about Kelis in the full cover story here

One Day

thezhush.com


This view is my dream manifested into reality. 

Foolery that Brown People Understand

Serious thought:  Do white people have code language like this?  (Please answer this question)

1. I'm around da corner." = I'm 45 minutes away

2 .We in Dis B***h!" = We Will be attending the event.

3."Free my ni**a ______" = Although he did commit a crime that is against the law.. free him because he is my friend.

4. "So you Mad?" = "it amuses me that your angered by what just occurred when it didn't seem like a big deal to me.
...
5 ."You wasnt with me shootin in the gym" = you did not contribute to my current success in any way, shape or form.

6.Where dey do dat at? = What type of establishment allows behavior of that sort?

7."Im Bout To Go Ham!!!" = If you say 1 more thing that displeases me, I shall be forced to take disciplinary actions.

8."I got da whip"= My mother was kind enough to let me use the car.

9."You Tryna Chill? = I Really Want To Engage In Sexual Activity With You But If I Said That You Might Say No.

10."I'm chillin tonight" = My current financial situation is not budgeted for extra curricular activity."

11."You aint bout that life" = Your living standards are not fit for the situation at hand!

12."S**t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughing matter!!

My AHA Moment

It just dawned on me that one man probably won't be enough.  I really don't feel like investing in the time it will undoubtedly take to find this "perfect" man so what I rather do is just go ahead and keep two tried and true types around.  Here are the profiles:

 

The Regular Guy

 

Regular guy with the regular job who does regular things.  Nothing too fancy goes on with this dude except for the occasional "I think I'm Diddy" actions in the club.  This guy is on the brink of being great but there is always some disconnect or a series of unfortunate events that keep him right at the "average regular guy" level.  He does however, drop philosophical jewels from time to time that will have you completely open and I mean like all the way open.  I can chill with this guy with a scarf on my head, sip lemonade and spit David Sunflower Seeds (I ONLY spit David) in true Teneice fashion without materialistic judgment.  He's not quite there professionally which is 90% why this relationship wouldn't work.  I never want to make more money, be more ambitious or have more success than a man.  I want to be submissive to some degree and if I'm bringing home the bacon and frying it up (figuratively cause I don't cook) than this is a problem waiting to happen.  I'm sure I'll get some flack for this but sorry kids-it just doesn't work out too well.  But as you've probably assumed the sex is bomb so he's a keeper.

 

The Slightly Above Regular Guy

 

This guy has the pedigree of a rich Connecticut kid and has checked all the boxes.  College, fraternity, inflated stories about his fraternity, carries around his business cards in a brown Italian leather case, hopes that you ask him about his designer suiting before he has to mention it, drives some sexy European automobile and has a ton of other "I've made it" symbols he casually yet intentionally likes to flash around.  This guy keeps me entertained Monday-Friday during regular business hours and I'm usually ok with his company.  We talk about CNN, Donald Trump, investment plans, fashion and things he throws in to appear slightly cooler than he is.  All around, he's a good look and the ideal husband but after about 90 min I'm trying to text the regular guy.  His holier than thou attitude just gets a little overwhelming when all I want to do is chill and watch Love Jones or Sex and the City.  The sex is cool, nothing noteworthy although he is running around talking about how dope he is.  He's a keeper because of his credentials. 

 

Now unless I find the reformed thug who has traded in his Jordan's for loafers, this is how it will be.  Let's see how long I can get away with playing this game…

I Ain't Afraid To Touch Myself

Thank you T. Boz for making a song dedicated to this worthy topic and you'd think in 2012 everyone would know that self-pleasure can be the best pleasure ever but lo and behold ole what's her friggin' face from Tough Love New Orleans made all the viewers and her house mates shed a single tear when she announced she doesn't masturbate! HUH?! Pause! WTF did she just say?! *grabs a Kleenex after replaying that episode in my mind* I am a complete porn and self-pleasure enthusiast so I don't understand her kind. I can only hope she's taken herself down since the season wrapped or she can take pride in knowing she has single-handedly set Americans back 100 years and Amsterdam will continue to win in comparison to us! Yes America here are the facts and I quote, "As long as the condoms are picked up and the people that want to have sex in public only do it in the evening or night time, then according to new rules, it is fine and dandy to have sexual relations in Amsterdam's Vondelpark." If they can get it on outside surely you can get us (Americans) a point on the sex score board by making sweet love to yourself! Just take one for the team.

For all the rest of you ladies who love your "cupcake" < name totally stolen from a recent episode of B.E.T.s "The Game" and have no problem getting yourself to climax, feel free to share your stories with us. Yes, we love raunchy so bring it on!

Weird/Interesting masturbation stories I've heard:
1. "I must do my hair and put on lipgloss first"
2. "I suck my own tits to really get into it"
3. "I rolled up a pair of socks and placed my vagina on it, grinded back and forth, etc until I came"

Ahhhhh sex! It's an activity that can be enjoyed even if you have no one else to play with you. Pun totally intended.

My Daughter is a Gypsy

There are clearly several cultural differences in child rearing and for the longest time I would wonder why white parents would let there children walk around outside like this:

But now I get it!!!  Their kids are annoying as ever, cry, and throw fits until they get to wear this garbage all day long.  My daughter has recently decided to scrap the Gap and Polo I buy her and wear clothes that are 2 years too small for her, dirty, mismatched, ripped and just trashy.  There is a daily fight in my house and in effort to not give her up for adoption, I am finally deciding that letting her look like this: 

and guess what?!  I DONT GIVE A FLUCK!  If she wants to look like a fool, cool.  Headaches and arguments are over!  If you aren't up on the show that I find as hilarious as I do mortifying, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, here's a clip!  Get ready to fall the hell out!!!

(Go to 5:25...)

Rather Count a Million While You Eat.....

I am sooooo serious about Bad Boy circa 1995 right now specifically, Lil Kim.  OMG I was like in middle school when this stuff was released but now that I'm living out this YOLO lifestyle, Ms. Jones is my big sister in my mind.  Hardcore is in heavy rotation on an actual CD in my car but this song right here is my SHIT!

And some classic Lil Kim pics!

kiddunot.com

lavalizard.com

popaddicts.com

rocktheboatmag.com

teamlilkim.com

teamlilkim.com

teamlilkim.com

teamlilkim.com

YOLO Mother Effers

Drake and his lil friends over at YMCMB have all of pop culture in a craze over this YOLO ish.  For those still in 2011, YOLO stands for You Only Live Once.  The "theory" is to do wild (reckless) stuff cause well, YOLO.  I'm all over this but have edited my recklessness cause I'm a real person with a real career and a real child.   My list is about as stupid as I'm gonna get...for now.  In no particular order (some have already been checked off and items are subject to change):

1.  Turning sick days into sex days
2.  Rub-a-dub-dub in the back of the club ala Lil Kim
3.  F*cking a rapper (preferably Joe Budden see Instagram)
4.  Spending money for 4 months without checking account
5.  Booking a flight to Europe for later that afternoon
6.  Self-loving in traffic
7.  Doing some stupid ish at work (haven't thought this out yet but it will involve mid-day activities.
**thinks of more things, will post add-ons later**

Brotha to the Night

This aint right, not right at all.  In fact its all the way wrong but its the truth/everything/bomb/what the fuck ever it is, it's good.  Yes lawd, I have found a Brotha of the Night.  This isn't a love story and it probably never will be but it is pure sex with no attachment.  I'm not thinking about bills, an argument we had, last year, next year, work-- nothing but sex.  I've finally let my inhibitions go and now I'm just so damn open which is what makes this such an amazing experience.  I'm not into defining relationships right now so this just is.  Letting the rest of my thoughts on this sit for awhile so more to come but for now, feel the vibe of the clip from Love Jones.

Happy Weekend Kids

Friday Funny

I was having lunch with my co-workers and somehow we starting talking about the order of the planets.  My dumbass was like Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally (knowing there was some elementary way to remember their order), one co-worker was like yeah thats it!  LOL so we start trying to name them until someone else was like no ma'am thats for Algebra or something!  Ok FAIL.  Well then the same co-worker that co-signed my first answer was like:  My Vagina Eats Men Just So Yo(U) (K)Now.  Dead.  Did she really just say that?!  Yep Dead again.  Photo attached for your reference. 

Religion and ish

T:  Hey---yeah I think I figured out this weekend that I'm not Christian.

C:  Please elaborate. Lol

T:  I just think that I am more of a spiritual person and no longer only represent the viewpoints of Christianity solely. I understand now that the underlying teachings of all the worlds religions are simple and share the same tie for morals and ethics and I don't want to be held by just that of Christianity.  Right now I am intrigued by Hinduism and Hasidim. 

C:  Aha! I love how our conversations come back to bite you in the ass. We discussed this like two years ago but you were a hardcore Christian at the time and I was the Devil. LOL Seriously, I'm glad you've come to this realization because I feel the same way. A lot of things concerning Christianity blatantly contradicts itself so I've decided to look at things a little differently but ultimately believe that something more powerful than any human really does exist in some form. I'm not going to get too caught up into anything but I do have faith and pray.

T:  Man that damn Russell Simmons has me open! I've been reading the Bhagavad Gita (the Hindu bible) and I am all about their teachings. 

T:  I don't know if I was a strict Christian though...I'm all for gay marriage and other social issues that are usually given the ax in church. 

C:  Exactly! I don't argue with anyone about what they believe in but I also won't allow people to sway my mind. I don't think the Bible was written to be taken literally because a lot of the examples and illustrations seem figurative to me and some are just all out creative imagery from the writer but if someone chooses to believe that it's possible to part a sea, place animals on a boat together, and feed thousands of people with one catfish and a slice of white bread then that's fine with me. I believe there is a God. I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in having faith. I don't know any dead people who have arisen to confirm or deny that there is a Heaven/Hell so I don't know if I believe in either. It's almost like the tale that has been passed on from generation to generation that you will have salt poured in your eyes if you try to stay awake to see Santa Claus or something like that. I don't think it has ever occurred to most people that books are designed to tell stories and are written from the point of the view of the author who can create any truth they want to convey. The Bible is a book. Nothing more nothing less. A lot of the principals make sense but so do those of Steve Harvey and the woman who helped write his book but at the end of the day there is no real RIGHT or WRONG, just merely opinions that some people will hold on to as their truth if they side with the writer. That's what we've done with the Bible…adapted the writers beliefs and forced these views upon others.

C:  Nope. You weren't a Christian. A real Christian believes God hates (HATES) gay people. God a Hater…Imagine that. SMH.

Not surprising. Hinduism was one of the religions I studied in undergrad that didn't seem far-fetched to me. I don't know what I am but I do know that I am lover of people and don't hate anyone.

The end

Quick Thoughts

T:  I don't know if this is religious or cultural or what but why are we conditioned to think that if a relationship doesn't work out or yield the expected results that the two people have to completely part ways? I've noticed that people are taken back by the fact that I'm not angry and trippin over what my husband did but I think I've evolved enough to think that just because my marriage is over doesn't mean that our relationship is. We love each other and will be friends and probably much more effective co-parents now anyway...my thought is, why can't we just accept the blessings and gifts that our partners leave with us instead of thinking its about boom and despair?

R: I completely agree that's why I'm still "friends" with all of my exes

 
L: DEEP

 
R: I think when you stay angry at someone it takes too much energy out of you... let go and just relax and live life

L: I understand but some people just cant do it

 
T: Why can't they? Is it fear?

R: I agree with L sometimes your feelings can get the best of you and you just can't help it but when you learn how to control it you will feel sooooo much better

 L: could be..fear that being around, talking to them etc may make them have those feelings for them that they know they shouldn't have

 T: L, you should read Super Rich too. There is a part when Russell says that he got mad at the Beastie Boys for leaving Def Jam and they stopped talking for awhile until he realized they weren't his to begin with and learned to accept the gifts they brought to the label. I think that's powerful. These people aren't ours and they don't belong to us. God gives them to us for the time he wants to serve a purpose whether its for them or us...when its over, its over. I think we get into a lot of trouble when we fight how long a person is supposed to be with us.

I could stay married to my husband but I think the reason he was lent to me has been accomplished, I learned to love unconditionally and now I can go apply that elsewhere. I will be forever thankful to him for teaching me that as opposed to being hurt and bitter that our marriage didn't work.

 L: Damn, That's some real shit

 

"Cultural Differences"

My supervisor, who is on leave magically showed up at work.  Why?  Because she was washing clothes and needed something to read so she drove to work to get work to take back home to read in between loads.  I beleive that this is all the information needed to make it very clear that we are completely different from them.  Laugh now. 

Soul Mates?

 R:  Do you believe in/ how do you feel about soul mates? Do you think everyone comes in your life for a reason or do you think that's just something we tell ourselves to make us feel better about getting involved with the wrong people?

 

 

T:  Yeah I'm not a big soul mate person.  I think relationships develop and there are very few people that don't have to adjust or edit some part of themselves in order to maintain a relationship.  I imagine that a soul mate would be two people who "just work" without all the effort we know a real relationship takes.

 

 

 R:  OK but do you think you can "miss out" on your soul mate? I mean are we meant to be with a certain person... does everything really happen for a reason?

  

T:  Let me take the word "soul mate" out to answer this.  I think there are a million people we can fall in love with on the planet, each sharing the same deep love most people crave.  The issue is most of us operate in a very small circle involving maybe 50 people and 10 romantic relationships (if that).  Given the sheer numbers, we trick ourselves into thinking that out of these 10, there is only 1 we are truly meant to be with.  Russell Simmons says that there is a very good chance that our blessings will come from a situation outside of our normal experiences.  I take this to mean in relationships that we can fall in love with an Australian surfer, a hood dude, a man in England or wherever we just need to open ourselves in understanding that there is an entire world of people out here and our love isn't limited to the 10 or so people we've been with.  Does that make sense?

 

 R:  yes makes complete sense. I guess I just keep trying to figure out why certain things happen in the order they happen especially bad situations.  But maybe it's not for me to understand and just for me to live it out

 

 T:  I'm gonna say this for the last time (OK not true, I will pressure you about it until you do it)...in fact, we are gonna go to Barnes and Noble today at lunch and get the audio version of Super Rich...every single doubt you have will be erased and you will understand why your relationships take the direction in which they do.

 

 

T:  I want to be very clear about this book and its impact it has had on my life.  My marriage is over and in the worst way possible but I am not angry, not bitter, and still very much love and have compassion for him.  Before reading this book, I didn't have any direction and had no idea how I was going to deal with the issue at all.  It taught me so much and how to evolve and embrace the world as it comes to me as well as how to be aggressive in what it is I want out of it.

 

R:  Well I just need for it to erase my memory... if Barnes and Noble has anything for that I'm down lol

 

T:  Yes, you need to HEAR the words.  I have the actual text book but hearing someone say it is 100 times more powerful.

 

 

 T:  Here's what I've been thinking about for the last month or so....take your fist and ball it up tight...that's the area in which most of us operate out of...now think about how big the world really is.  Why in the hell do we limit ourselves to that tiny amount of space and experiences??

 

 Raven:  But you keep saying that but I don't think I limit myself to certain things I'm a VERY open person and would date any type of race and/or try anything at least once.  Someone just needs to come at me.  I've been in situations where I've been open to dating other races but it never materialized.  I don't stand in one small group. I have friends from all over: hood, professional, upper, middle and lower classes.  I think I'm very diverse when it comes to mingling

 

 

 T:  Someone just needs to come at me << the problem.  You have to run after the world.  Stop waiting on people to find you. Look at what I'm saying figuratively.  I'm not suggesting that you don't know a variety of people but perhaps you are unconsciously attracted to the same type of person no matter his race or profession.

 

 

 R:  but that's what I'm saying not true.  Like just recently... well at xmas time I was at a party and very interested in my co-workers Indian friend... I started flirting with him.  but like I said nothing materialized.  I wasn't really saying someone has to come at me... I have NO problem with flirting but at the same time I'm not going to flirt with someone that I'm not interested in.  Nor will I continue to flirt with someone who doesn't seem to be interested in me.

 

T:  I agree with that.

 

 R:  maybe it's just not my time.  Everyone says that things happen for a reason and some things are meant to happen... but for some reason I can't wrap my head around that.  I just think we are humans living in this world and what we do is what we do and not "meant to happen".  but that thought scares me b/c I just keep making the wrong decisions so I feel like I'm F'ed b/c when it comes to dating I'm clueless but I'm an ACE in relationships guess that's why I want to be in one bad... not good with being alone and "dating"

 

T:  Have you ever thought about the energy you are putting out may not be receptive and impact your dating skills?  Have you ever been around people who were so full of vibrancy and good energy that even without speaking you wanted to be in their presence?  That's the person you want to be.  (We all want to be)

 

 R:  No I'm that person and people love me... that's not my problem.  the problem I have is that I don't like anyone or if I do I get too comfortable with them b/c I guess I'm used to being with someone.  so when I find someone I'm comfortable with I'm open but then they turn out to be someone I shouldn't be open with.

 

 T:  I think you are a vibrant person in all aspects expect for when it comes to love is what I'm saying.  When the conversation switches to love, marriage, and families I see you get into a funk.  What if you are radiating an energy in regards to relationships that aren't attracting the type of relationship you are yearning for?  Let's take it out of context for a sec...

 

 

T:  I want to be a business owner but it hasn't happened yet (partly because of my own poor time management) but when I get around people who have "made it" and live the life I hope to be living soon, I am inquisitive, eager and very engaging on how to learn.  I could turn into an instant hater but that vibe would not only hinder me but make me unattractive to deal with.  Showing my desire and willingness to move forward without slandering my current professional situation makes me a more attractive person to want to do business with.  Hopefully that makes my POV easier to understand.

 

 

 T:  So what I'm saying is, be honest about your desire to want true love but stop criticizing where you currently are in life.  Your honesty and good heart will shine through but you may be blocking your blessing because you are so down on yourself about love.  Be open.

 

 R:  You're right... Thanks 

 

Chic Smoking

Not a smoker. Never have been, never will be but it looks so damn chic in black and white photography. Here are some shots I like :)

All pics via Pinterest

THE SEARCH IS OVER!!!!!!!!!

Trophy Wife

Date: 2012-04-15, 8:17AM

Wanted: Trophy Wife. . .

I am looking to fill an immediate opening in my home, as soon as possible. The position will be demanding, but the perks of the job will absolutely outweigh the stresses of the day. Any applicants must be willing to perform a few simple day to day tasks. . .

First is to wake up every day in my arms. And even after we wake to lay there and enjoy that feeling of love and happiness. Before the kids bust through the doors, before the stress of the day even has a chance to make an appearance. . . just lay. After I am able to tear myself from your arms, you have an option: either enjoy a fine cup of loose leaf tea in bed, or by the fireplace. After. . . you make it through the tea, we get the kids ready for school, as a team. Pack lunches and snacks, get them dressed, breakfast as a family, and then off to catch the bus. At this point, I'll be off for the day for another day at the office. . . but I will never rush off without holding you in my arms as if it were the last time. . . and just when I am about to let go, hold you for a little longer.

At this point in the day, you have some flexibility. . . you could spend some time catching up on the book you are trying to finish. Or head straight to the gym, in the brand new company car (our your choosing of course). This may include, but is certainly not limited to, any number of Zumba/Yoga/Crossfit/etc classes desired. All membership fees and workout clothes will be included as part of your compensation package. After the gym, please make full use of the whirlpool tub to relax. Or, if you don't feel like the gym that day, head straight to the mall for some shopping or a pedicure or to get you hair done. . . all on the company credit card.

I hope your work environment will be suitable, as you will have your own corner office, with which you can fully focus on your writing career. Whether you are tinkering with a new concept, or putting the finishing touches on another masterpiece, this will be an ideal space with which to focus.

In the afternoon, you will have to pickup my son from preschool and perform an extremely important task. Have fun. Play in the playroom, take him to the park, play on the swing set, watch a movie with him. . . But be sure to save some of that energy for when my daughter gets off the bus. . .. And then the fun just continues. . . until I return home from the office. At this point I expect to be fully bombarded by my kids. . . dual hug style, knocking me to the floor, hands still full from just coming in the door. Once I regain my composure though, please be ready, because 8 hours of not being able to be by your side will be unbearable and my only thought in that moment will be to kiss you like it was our first and last kiss.

We'll take turns cooking dinner. . . and often will prepare the meal together. We'll eat as a family and listen to each other tell the stories of their days. After dinner, we'll spend time with the kids together. Playing board games, doing homework, practicing instruments, singing songs, doing artwork, reading stories, going for bike rides. . .. After getting the kids off to bed, please be prepared to receive a massage by the fireplace, while the stresses and noises of the day go quiet.

Other perks, in no particular order: surprise picnics, weekend getaways, nights out for movies/dinners/concerts/etc, my singing you songs and leaving you notes, unbounded support for you writing career, boots. . . lots and and lots of boots. . . A true partner, in every sense of the word. . . in life, parenthood, friendship, and love. Finally, it will be my job to create a life with you. . . completely and utterly consumed by both passion and love.

• Location: Ashburn, VA
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Original URL: http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/wri/2959244497.html

Listen to your man!

I'm writing this from bed and on my phone so my thoughts may be a little off but bare with me here.

I don't typically condone infidelity but I recognize that men are simple creatures and probably already told you everything they need in order to make them stay loyal, women just don't listen.

1. If your man starts making comments about your body, no matter how vague, consider that all the request you need to get your ass to the gym.

2. If he starts commenting on your hair, clothing or other cosmetic things, get a makeover quickly.

3. If you are snuggled up on the couch and you notice your head being pushed down ever so slightly...do it.

4. If he keeps ignoring your texts and calls all day, quit calling and texting.

5. If he begs you to STFU cause you start some bs argument daily, learn to STFU.

6. If he suggests more frequent sex, stop talking about being tired.

It's just about that simple.

Nite

Think Like a Man...or Lil Kim?!

(convo cuts in)

T:  hol up what the hell are my tactics?  If a man can make it crystal clear that all he wants to do is smash than so can I.

 T:  And I need you to explain my stubbornness in detail sir

 Man: I suggest you listen to me, as a man, if you do so I promise you will break every person you set out too

 T:  I would be a complete dummy to talk to a guy who stays talking about this that and the other shit he bought and smash for free!  huh?  That's stupid!

Man:  my point is, you have the attributes needed to REALLY get what you want, however your approach is a bit off kilter

I agree with your last statement

 T:  My approach is the same as men's...yall just don't like it thrown back at you and want to control the shots.

Man:  not at all, maybe some men but not all again, I agree with your last statement

T:  Thank you!

Man:  what you doing is not new, but how you are doing it is your method won't work with everyone, however with just a little instruction you will be good

 T:  Here's all I wanna know:  Why can a man be completely blatant about his intentions but I'm supposed to back end mine?  I don't want to play around with men and waste my time at dinners and shit.

 Man:  Here's the thing T, men and women are different; so you can't take what and why we do and apply it to a woman I'm not even thinking about me, remember I met you under different circumstances

 T:  No, men are just flucking confused.  They don't want drama and want a woman to be upfront.  But when they get that they are stuck on stupid cause they aren't running the show.

 T:  So....I need the man's Cliff Notes version of my approach.

Man:  You can't treat every man the same and you can't compare men to women; once you understand that you will dominate trust me, I do it 

 T:  Every man isn't the same

 Man:  That's to include every man with money if you listen and be willing to adjust I assure you will win every time

 T:  I'm still waiting on you to tell me what the play by play move is on this new plan

Man:  I'm still waiting on you to humble yourself and open up instead of talking fast and trying to act like you got everything figured out at 27

 T:  I have to be the most humble person in America!  I would bet money that if I was extra friendly with my lady parts BEFORE I asked for a meal, I would instantly be humble and sweet.

 (foolishness deleted and still no answer...men are still as retarded as I thought they were!)

Beyonce is Real!

I'm not a regular fan of hers but my co-author is and since she's decided to be open a Tumblr acknowledging to be a real person, I decided to share. Here are my favs!

"Cultural Differences"

Thought of another....your non-brown co-worker can sit on the phone ALL day talking about kids, dogs, summer vacations and Tupperware parties but let you get the urge to call the radio station, check a text, or reply to someone on Facebook and there will be a counseling session that follows.  This is a fact. 

"Cultural Differences"

Now I'm not a racist (bahahaha I love that line!  Its what white people say right before they make a racial comment) but there are clearly some things that they can do that we (as in brown people) can't so I'm starting a segment called Cultural Differences that will highlight the humorous ones.  So here we have it:

THE "I'M SICK"

White people can actually call out sick.  No one knows if they are really sick or not and its because NO ONE will challenge them.  I have a co-worker who is "sick" at least 6 times a month and somehow her illness strategically falls on long weekends or right after she's gone out of town.  I wanna be like look just take an extra day off cause we know you aren't sick but the point is, if she says she is-it must be true right?  Wrong.  They also like to confuse sickness with a headache.  I have a headache = I'm leaving early.  Huh?  Your head doesn't know if you are at work or at home so take a aspirin and press.  They will also go to the doctor for EVERYTHING when we will just take some over the counter stuff but that's another post...

Now, if a brown person is sick, we better be showing ALL the symptoms.   We gotta over exxagerate sneezes at our desk, throw powder on our face, fake a horrible voice and basically look like shit before a boss will say "Why are you still here"...ummm cause you ain't tell me I could go home!  (Don't you hate that???) They will listen to you ALL day long and then casually mention that you've sounded horrible all day...really?  Ok.  Then we need to say we have a doctors appointment, have a doctors note and go to the 10th degree of sick excessiveness to get off and then we feel bad.  Like are we gonna get fired cause we took a day off?  You know it will be that one day your basic ass co-worker will use your illness as an excuse to say you haven't responded to their email, finished a project, blah blah blah. 

I know yall have some so comment, share, laugh. 

Easter Foolishness

Regular folks do cute stuff like bake theme cupcakes (like the one you'll see in the next post), dye eggs and then send the kids to find them and say a couple of prayers...not my family. The following is a list of the foolishness I encountered today:

1.  Usually black folks are late to every single function and Easter is no different.  Surprisingly, my uncle and aunt show up to my house (yep, I hosted dinner) 45 early disrupting my nap.  They walk in and both of their cell phones start ringing and then they start shouting "who's dead!!!"  I'm like aww shit here we go!  This goes on for like 10 min and then my uncle is like I'm early, where's the room so I can take a nap real quick?  Huh hol up hol up hol the fluck up!  You cut my nap short and now you wanna take one?!  You coulda let your seat back some and slept in the car until it was time to ring my bell.  Mood: Puzzled.

2.  My cousins who are late to everything true to the traditional customs of blacks, stroll in with some mysteriously light kid.  Here's the set up:  My female cousin, her long time boyfriend and their two daughters...and again, some mysteriously light child no one has seen before-EVER.  Well the boyfriend starts going around introducing his SON.  Hol up hol up hol the fluck up!  Y'all should've seen my face.  Huh?  What?  Huh?  The kid is the same age as one of the kids we KNOW... why do black people think it's ok to introduce CHILDREN as if this is a new friend....no asshole this requires a damn explanation!  How? When? Where? Why?  You know those types of questions need to be asked.  So...I migrated around the house to witness each of my family members get introduced to this kid just to bust up laughing on the inside as they said "Who????????????" bahahhahaaha I still need to know what is going on with this....Mood: confused and hysterical.

3.  And the kicker that turned the jokes on my ass!  I get on my phone and sit it down real quick to do something.  In a split second my uncle grabs my phone, clicks on the pics and starts going through the album all us sexy girls have lmfaooooooooo YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHO DOES THIS????????!!!!! Then....drum roll please.......(sound)......gives the phone to my FATHER...Huh?!  Hol up!  You did not go and look at all my body shots like that!  And why did you even touch my phone and start pushing buttons?  I was completely mortified and will be for the next 6 months.  I think I shed a tear immediately following this and just about threw the kid from point #2 under the bus just to take the heat off of me.  If it wasn't for Jesus and the lil children, he would've gotten a Friday night cuss out but it was Easter Sunday so I just snatched my phone and walked away.  Mood: Mortified, crying and beyond pissed.

4.  I'm now hungry as hell cause all I ate was ham and green beans trying so damn hard to make myself look like something come May.

Happy Easter to you regular folk xxoo

What You Won't Do!

(References a convo we were having which I've edited to protect the not so innocent)

C:  You know there are some of us who think things that are "freaky" to other people are basic run of the mill stuff. I always ask, "what's freaky" because most of that ish is in my normal repertoire. I'm like, "oh…that's dirty/nasty/freaky? People don't do this just because?" I need to stop doing the most then. LOL.  It's always fun to sleep with a man who isn't used to getting anything "special" or done right. Those were the days…

T:  What are folks doing in America these days?  BTW, I'm back on Twitter.

C:  I know right! I think the problem is I dated someone when I was 17 who was fine as hell and I wanted to do whatever however. I think staying in relationships teaches you more than just dating/smashing random people. You can perfect your skills that way and not just do enough to get through the session because there's a chance you all may not ever do it again. I don't know. Just my personal take on it but anyway, folks need to get with the program. I have made a vow to never be friends with a chick who doesn't give head because she will always have relationship issues and I don't want to hear that shxt. Suck a dxck and STFU!

C:  You need a 45 year old man. You suck he spends the end.

T:  I'm pretty sure mister 45 year old found Jesus after the last pic I sent.................

C:  Ohhhhhh!!! What's up with him anyway? When are you all going to do whatever. This is taking too long for me.

T:  Oh....I laid out my schedule very clearly... haven't heard from him but when he returns my texts he acts like he's been building an empire which is why he was busy...gtfoh.  You know...here's my discovery...men want women without the bs drama but when I'm upfront and clear with my intentions and stuff they are looking all around playing games.  I can't figure it out!

C:  Yeah because I don't understand who doesn't pencil in time to fxck! Clearly only "Baby Boy" understands this concept but he's also not expected to buy $2500 bags and leave gift cards on your nightstand so he has it made. LMFAO!

T:  Baby Boy gives me all I need from him...sneakers, Ciroc and the wang!  LMFAO

C:  Grand total: $90. I'm pretty sure you would have more customers at that price point. LMFAOOO!!! You two…Lawd!

T:  I mean I don't ask people for ish they can't afford to pay.  You're not gonna keep telling me about the BMW, Porsche and whatever else you drive and want me at Steve Madden!  Fluck I look like?! 

C:  LMAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Word up! Preach sista PREACH!

T:  I still can't get over buggy having me ride around in a freshly detailed Panamera and then telling me my taste was too expensive when he offered to buy me a Christmas gift.  I guess he thought I was gonna tell him I wanted a Gap giftcard.  I've been walking right by him in the hallways since January. 

C:  LMAAAOOO at a Gap gift card. I don't get it. I'm seriously confused about this business transaction. It must be guilt. He sees you and wants you but when you're not directly in his face or he's temporarily out of guilt mode then nothing happens. Whatever. Just keep lining them up and see what happens. You no pay you no play *Asian "massage" woman voice"*

T:  Right, thats it.  A lady will get cut for not smashing but when I cut you for not swiping (your credit card)...I'm wrong, again GTFOH with that!!!! 

To Wed or Not To Wed....

Note: This conversation comes after I was told we can't discuss sex or the Big O today ............

C:  I was having a discussion with some people yesterday regarding couples living together before vows are exchanged and marriage proposals. It stemmed from the last episode of RHOA. The people I was talking to said Damon didn't need to talk to Sheree before asking for her daughters hand in marriage and that talking to just Bob was fine. They also said that Sheree was wrong for asking him if he was sure that he wanted to get married because the question of how serious he felt about her daughter should have been asked before they moved in together because moving in together is a big step that's supposed to lead to marriage. I completely disagreed and said it's disrespectful to not discuss your intentions to marry someone's child with their parents beforehand and that a parent does not need to question how someone feels about their child before a proposal is pending? Just because a couple decides to live together does not mean it will lead to marriage. One person's argument was that you shouldn't live with anyone you don't plan to marry and also said that they don't think it's necessary for a man to discuss his desire to marry her with her parents. What is your take on this? I wouldn't marry any man who didn't talk to my parents first or at least my mom since she was my primary guardian. How the hell did Damon think just talking to Bob was good enough? WTF?!

 

T:  1.  I totally support living with your marriage candidate before actually committing.  Its 2012 and I'm pretty sure Jesus supports proactive planning more than he does divorce plus I did it for 2 years and I liked it that way.  Shacking up should be required.  People expose themselves when you live with them...otherwise you fall in love with their representative.

2.  I think Sheree's motives and push was way off in left field.  She kept talking to this young man about the size and price on the ring, talking money blah blah blah.  It seems like her daughter and Damon are regular, humble average people much as you and I were when we were in that phase and she's trying to make her daughter the newest RHOA.  Damon seems like a genuine young man and I think the reason he pulled back was because of Sheree's obscene influence over the proposal and the ring.

3.  I agree that if the young lady who a man plans to marry has a relationship with her parents, it would be who of him to express his intentions but I think this is case by case. Apparently there was some drama over why Sheree didn't acknowledge her oldest daughter in previous seasons and certainly Damon has the inside scoop and perhaps knowing that she had a healthier relationship with Bob, decided to only approach him.  I think there is a lot of back story with their particular situation.

 

C:  1.       I totally agree

2.       I don't like Damon. I think he's rude, disrespectful, and a bxtch for saying he no longer wants to propose if the reason behind is that Sheree scared him by making him think he needed to get Tiara an expensive ring. The only person who's truly affected by that is Tiara. He knows the conversation they've had between each other as it relates to getting married, that Tiara probably doesn't expect a Kim K ring, and how much money he has. My take on the situation has less to do with the ring and more to do with the fact that he realized he's only twenty something years old and doesn't want to get divorced so he wants to wait until he's 100% sure that he's ready to commit to one woman for the rest of his life. He already knew what kind of woman Sheree is and whose daughter he's with so he shouldn't have cared how Sheree felt about a ring if she wasn't going to pay for it. Regular people cannot afford lavish rings in the tens of thousands of dollars range.

3.       I think if a man has ever met the parent(s) of the woman he wishes to marry, he should ask them for their blessing. I don't think there was any real drama between Sheree and her daughter just because she wasn't shown in the first episode. When the first season aired Tiara was still in college I think and if she was away at school, she couldn't have been on the show because she didn't live in the house. I have no reason to believe Tiara is closer to Bob than her mom. I just think Damon's a jack-asss who needs to get his shxt together and man up.

 

T:  1.  ok, we're good

2.  I didn't get the vibe that he wasn't going to do it at all- I got the vibe that she was pissing him off so he wanted to do it on his own merit without all of Sheree's influence.  I wouldn't be surprised if we learn about a quiet proposal by the end of the season.

3.  There were actually stories floating around regarding real life drama between mother and daughter...I know you aren't part of the blogosphere.   So lets say a man meets his girlfriends father at a cookout but the father wasn't a part of her life growing up and maybe just got reconnected within the last year or so...why should this young man feel inclined to ask the father for his blessing?  As the girlfriend, I wouldn't want my father's opinion injected into the process considering our past.

 

C:  2. I think for a man to tell someone's mother that he plans to be drunk off his asss before proposing to their daughter a) makes him a douc*e bag and b) means he's not ready despite whoever's influence. If I were Tiara and saw his foolishness after the season wrapped I would break up with him. He probably has no real, no money, and definitely lacks b*lls so she needs to start dating again

 

3. Nope. I don't know shxt about who said what in the blog world but from their interactions on the show, they seem to have a good relationship and that's all I'm going off of.

b) If a woman and her father currently have a relationship despite their past and the man she's dating has met her father, then he should ask for her father's blessing. It's not his permission because the woman will decide if she wants to marry the man but it's respectful to get the blessing of the parent(s). Even if your parents hate your man, at least he was man enough to do his part now you all can ride off into the sunset together if you choose to.

T:  Yeah I think the drinking comments should have been something he said to his friends and not her mom.

Love and ish

Lengthy but juicy xxoo ;) 

t: You are really in love man oh man

c: Yes I am and I’m trying to see if it’s possible to have a relationship free of cheating. I don’t know if it’s possible but I’m going to do my part and see what happens. No matter how good someone’s s*x is, it’s human nature to want to fxck someone else. Cheating has nothing to do with the person you have at home being a fail in the bedroom. New is exciting even if it’s worse than what you’re already getting. You will regret cheating for some whack sex but it’s exciting to fxck a new person. I’m pretty sure I was a man or an animal in my former life because monogamy seems inhumane and cruel but in an effort to not die of AIDS, I’ll be monogamous. Besides, I mostly just feel that way about heterosexual relationships.

t:  Given this theory, I don't understand why you don't stay single.

c:  Oh Lordie this message totally came back to me as undeliverable because I didn’t bleep out a letter in vagina. LMAO Anyway, I don’t want my vagina to be too friendly so I get into relationships. It’s like this: I like being in relationships but I used to think whatever man I was dating would cheat so I would cheat on him at some point in the relationship. I have no real respect for men so I cheated because I didn’t care but since I’ve never dated a woman before and have no reason to think I’m being cheated on so I’m being good.

t:  Sorry you don't trust men. So a man will cheat but a lesbian won't?

c:  Men aren’t trustworthy. I’m sure lesbians cheat but that hasn’t been MY experience yet so I’m doing something different. If my gf and I were to break up and I dated a man I would more than likely cheat on him and not flinch. I truly believe most, if not all men are full of shxt but some try to keep it together longer than others before they eventually give in to temptation. That’s not why I’m with a woman though. I’m with a woman because I like lady parts and they turn me on much more than schlongs do. Simple as that.

t:  I've grown to know that you make very strong generalizations on stuff so I'm not surprised by your viewpoint but I am a bit saddened that you place limitations on yourself based on a few experiences when life is filled with a million of them. It seems like because your gf hasn't cheated you're using that to justify your point when the reason she hasn't could be plenty. You're a cheater so to say men can't trusted seems a little off when you contribute to the problem my friend. Maybe one day you will let go of your inhibitions with love and stop viewing it as such a damaging process. That's my wish for you ;)

c:  I haven’t placed any limitations on myself and I'm a reformed cheater thank you very much. Men can’t be trusted. Hell, I could't be trusted but I’m working on it. I have no inhibitions with love because I’m currently in a loving and fulfilling relationship so you don’t have to be sad, worried, or hopeful for me. No matter what, I will always believe all men cheat. The most a woman can hope for is that her lover doesn’t get caught so she can continue to think she has a good man. None of this will apply to me until I get cheated on and find myself back out here dating people trying to discern who’s the least full of shxt. Thank God right now I’m happy and if that changes it’s fine because such is a life. There are plenty more people in the world. Relationships don’t devastate me. I move on pretty quickly…sometimes before the last relationship fully ends. Life is short fxck it.

t:  I'll stop reading after the second sentence...I figured that would be your pessimistic response.

c:  The truth is the truth. Deny it if you want to. That’s fine.

t:  That may be YOUR truth but it most certainly isn't THE truth.

c:  What percentage of your friends do you know who have been in a relationship with a man longer than 3.5 years hasn’t been cheated on? *waiting*

t:  Considering the fact that I have 4 friends...I would gather it would be 25% however...if we took the poll outside of my very small sampling population, we would see better results.  Men cheat, women cheat..whatever...that wasn't my argument or question rather it was why you thought your relationship now was currently cheat proof (I know those weren't your exact words).  What happens if she decides to cheat? 

c:  Those definitely weren’t even close to my words. If she decides to cheat then all I could do is cheat, break up with her, or both. Those are pretty much the only options. Then I’ll eventually get with someone else and wait for them to cheat if that's what they choose to do.

t:  Wow that sounds like an awfully sucky relationship cycle.  Again, my thought is if you stopped getting in "relationships" than you wouldn't be cheating and neither would they.

c:  That’s pretty much how it goes if you don’t have kids. Women with kids tend to stay, beg their man to stop cheating on them, ignore obvious and blatant signs of cheating, and wrap themselves up into their children. The purpose of getting into a relationship is the likelihood that your partner won’t cheat and neither will you. Relationships are wonderful until the lies and cheating starts. That is why I’m not single. I enjoy being with the person I’m with and I love her very much so no cheating for me.

t:  Why is it so hard for you to believe that there are tons of healthy, non-cheating and loving relationships that last?  I don't have a million dollars but that doesn't stop me from thinking I can't in the future and there are lots of people currently with large accounts.  Maybe not the most heart-wrenching analogy but the idea is this:  Just because you haven't experienced something doesn't mean plenty of people (women aren't).  And by you I mean people.  I would be cheating myself by basing all of my future relationships on my failed marriage. 

c:  Ummmm….attention ma'am: I am IN a relationship and had I based this relationship off my failed marriage I would be single because I would think relationships are pointless. I don’t think relationships aren’t pointless but I’m not going to be devastated to the point of not being able to move on if she decides to cheat because that’s what people do but in the meantime in between time I am going to enjoy my relationship because it’s drama free. Who knows what the future will bring but as of right now, I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable and care. It may be great or it may blow up in my face. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens but I'm giving her my trust, faithfulness, and commitment to this relationship and I believe she's doing the same.

t:  Ok let me rephrase this question....Why is it so hard for you to believe that there are tons of healthy, non-cheating and loving relationships between men and women that are longer than 6 months?

c:  Ohhhhhhhhhhh…because that’s rare. I’m sure it exists but supposedly dinosaurs also existed…we’ve just never seen them. Most men and women who have been together forever totally love each other but don’t like each other. The sex becomes few and far between, the conversations lack substance, they don’t know how to have fun together, they start doing stuff separately, and by the fifth year someone has cheated or threatened to divorce the other person. Just because people have decided to spend thirty years of their lives together don’t mean they’re happy or in a healthy relationship. They just don’t want to go through the same ish with the next person because for the most part all relationships are the same. Everything is great in the beginning and just kind of fizzle out. You can’t keep living in the same house for years expecting to love it as much as you did when you first got the keys. You can paint the walls, change the furniture, renovate the basement but at the end of the day you’re going to want a new house. There are some people who will stay in that house because of the memories, the unwillingness to move to a new area, and the frustration of packing but there are others who will say, “out with the old and in with the new” and call up a realtor to find a new place. That’s pretty much how relationships are.

t:  Are you imagining this to be the case or have you spoken to couples who have been married for 20 plus years. Let's separate fact from fiction here.

c:  I don’t just make this ish up and you know as good as I do that there are couples who are married and have been for quite some time who don’t touch, talk about anything other than important stuff and their children, kiss, sleep together, or even sleep in the same room. Surely you don’t think I pulled this out of my assss. If you stop trying to fight what I’m saying and face the facts, you’ll realize I’m right. I don’t care if you only know eight people. If those eight people are in relationships and have been with the same person longer than 3.5 years you need to be honest about the state of their relationships and remember together doesn’t necessarily equal happy and healthy. I think you know I’m right but you want to be in la-la land a little while longer.

t:  I'm not fighting what you're saying but what i wish you would acknowledge is how one sided a lot of your viewpoints are. I bet that had you grown up around marriage and had yours been successful, while you may still recognize troubles in any relationship, your perspective might be different. There are two sides of a coin- look at both sides before creating an unwavering opinion. 

c:  Had I grown up around a lot of married couples and stayed with my husband, I would still feel the same way. The current divorce rate in America is 41%. That obviously doesn’t include those who are currently leading lives as single people/separated (married) couples, women who don’t want to be single mothers, those who should be divorced because they’re married to a piece of shxt, men who have adopted the belief, “it’s cheaper to keep her” and those who just can’t afford to get a divorce. I’ll bet if they took a poll of all those people the rate would double thus proving my point that most people aren’t in happy healthy relationships but there are certainly those who are. Those people do not make up the majority. That’s all I’m saying. It is a fact. It’s evident on every block in America and you cannot deny this. My views are not one sided because I acknowledge that some people really are happy but they’re rare. So you would say the majority of the married couples you know who have been married for 5+ years seem to be happy and from what you’ve observed their relationships are healthy? You would argue that point? Really?! You just hate to think I’m right. I’m not pessimistic, I’m realistic. I didn’t grow up around a lot of married people but I know plenty now as an adult and these jokers are together but far from truly happy. They just make it work because most of them have children. That’s what people with kids do.

t:  Ok

c:  HA! I'm right! Of course I am. 

t:  I didn't say Ok cause you were right...I was driving